TRANSFORMATION: Universal Timing

"Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself" ~ Zenrin Kushu


I have found myself pondering the ebbs and flows of cycles in my life. I find myself looking back at the past 10 years, and I see times of exhuberent growth, followed by fallow times, where I am wanting to see change...and at times I have even forced it unnecessarily!

I feel like so much has been going on in the last 12-18 months and I have been so busy planning and planting, that right now, I just need to sit quietly and allow things to happen in their own time....manifest according to the Universal calendar (which I intuitively know will be soon enough). That is not to say that I sit idle, twiddling my thumbs. I can still do my writing, look at the list of goals I had set for myself and quietly take care of what I already have in front of me.

I just need to give everything the space and freedom to create itself, rather than continue to plant more seeds from a place of ... of shouldn't I be "doing more". My blades of grass are about to break through the surface, and in my need to "do more", I'm ready to interupt this by digging around and planting new things.

You don't need to make grass grow any faster!! And really, when you think about it, the beautiful thing is, you actually can't!! It has its own time. There are some things that you just can't force into being.

Its all about rhythm. Its all about tuning in to the energetic tides in your life, and moving consciously and naturally with those tides. Its all about learning to move and flow with that rhythm, and not allowing the need to control, the anxiety of the ego to force you into action, when non-action is what is required.

So, today I will sit quietly, do nothing and wait for my grass to grow.

TRANSFORMATION: Quiet gestation

The past few weeks have been quite profound in many ways, and this past week has been one of quiet contemplation, deeper self-reflection and allowing my body, and my soul to adjust to a new rhythm.

Peaceful.

Quiet.

A pause between breaths....this is what this week has been, and I have enjoyed the not-doing. I have enjoyed simply Being.

TRANSFORMATION: A reality no longer real

So I wanted to share an aspect of myself that I haven't mentioned here before. For some of my friends (and family) they already know this about me, and for others it may be a side of me they aren't familiar.

I have always been 'sensitive' to the emotions, thoughts and physical well-being of people around me. For many years I would feel (and often embody) them as my own, and had a very difficult time separating who I was and what I felt, from what belonged to other people.

This is how an Empath experiences life.

Over the years, my lack of recognizing this aspect of myself, along with my complete denial of my psychic/intuitive abilities, created an imbalance in my physical and emotional health. My misinterpretation of feelings, and complete disconnection to my true essense, along with my deep desire for acceptance, love and connection, led to a life of emotional eating and dependency on food. As a result, as a teenager I was always overweight, and as a woman, I spent most of my 20's & 30's obese. This physical barrier became my protection and a prison against feeling (empathically, psychically, intuitively and physically).

Part of my transformation has been to bring mindfulness into all aspects of my life, and the other week I wrote (in "Mindful Change") about how I was shedding disconnected aspects. An essential part of my transformation has been physical, especially after being ill in March.

Bringing Mindfulness into each moment has allowed me to stop and be completely present in my decisions. I have been fascinated at my awareness of thoughts, that are completely habitual and subconscious in nature, which have been influencing so many of my decisions.

When it came to my food compulsions, I observed all of these prompts rising from my subconscious mind and assessed them with my present mind. I recognized that they were no longer self-sabotage, or emotional triggers, they were simply old recordings that I had not taken the time to fully pay attention to and decide if they were still valid.

Taking the time to listen to them AND NOT ACT MINDLESSLY, gave me the opportunity to see that there was no longer an underlying issue or emotional trigger associated with these recordings. Being mindful meant that I could decide that the recording could now be erased.

This realization was like the clouds parting after days of rain and allowing the sun to break through!

Lightness and clarity, and more importantly -- the freedom to finally live my life from a place of authenticity and as myself, even though this has brought forth a new element of "good fear in the unknown".

Another stage of my transformation has arrived ~ quietly, without struggle or hardship, and because I took the time to observe, and reject, what for so long I had blindly accepted as being just how things have always been.

I wonder what else is no longer true for me....

TRANSFORMATION: Doing it Differently

I stumbled across an entry in my journal from November 2007 and was surprised to see that I had the presence of mind (or awareness) to recognize that the demands on my time from work and others, had left me depleted and in need of simplifying my lifestyle.

With great gusto I declared that I was reclaiming my life and reconnecting with what would feed my soul, and clearing out what no longer served my highest good. I was going to take better care of myself, physically, spiritually, emotionally and ….

Well, here I am almost two years later and I wonder how it is that I had such insight back then, and still did so little to support any real change. Perhaps, more accurately, how I had managed to stop listening so quickly. The voice of my ego chimed in (but not for long) and wondered what was so different this time round, and how many more “a-ha” moments was I going to have, followed by declarations to instigate change with wholehearted determination, only to then quietly petered off as misplaced good intentions. Ignoring the obvious baiting from my ego, I chose (instead) to ponder the now obviously orchestrated chaos the Universe had brought to bear in my life starting in July last year.

A-ha, I thought – with a grin to accompany my appreciation of exactly how brilliant the Universe was – NOW I am beginning to fully comprehend that my invitation to the Universe had truly delivered a sequence of events designed not only to create chaos in my life, but also to ensure that the awareness I had experienced previously would be remembered, therefore ensuring my actions this time would be different.

The chaos and challenges that the Universe has placed on my path have allowed me to examine my life, and many of my choices in a new light, and my awareness and desire for a different life and outcome, have provided me with new insight into how I make those choices. I already know that many of my recent decisions have come about from either consciously choosing a different option/reaction or from a place of remembering a more mindful solution.

But what tells me more than anything else that this time is different is the deep inner knowing that simple says to me, and to my ego … it is.

And that’s all I need to know.

TRANSFORMATION: In This Moment

A week back into the routine of up early, out the door by 8am, working all day, going to the gym, home after 8:30pm … and it has been fascinating to see how quickly that week, those five days vanished. NOW I understand how so many years passed by in such a fog, in particular the last two and a half!

It brings me back to the importance of being mindful, and re-enforces how essential it is to stay present in each moment.

I am grateful that I stopped to write down goals I wanted to achieve across the three months, June through August. And that, having written down those goals, I noted the plans, and the steps that would be needed to ensure they were met. Without this I would lose sight of where I want to head, and what I really want to be doing and I would find myself vanishing back into the fog for the next ten weeks.

And ten weeks can very quickly becomes years…

So I return my focus and intent to deepening my connection with my intuitive self, to exploring all aspects and beliefs that I have held, and determining if I feel any connection to them, or if they have just become subconsciously ingrained.

It is a slow process, but I have a deep feeling of inner contentment and a patient aspect of my soul has finally emerged. Dare I say, I almost feel Zen in my approach.

It truly is just one step, one day at a time. Tending to one thing a day towards achieving the goal, remaining mindful...and also, still being attached to the outcome with the full intent of my heart.

My soul and consciousness is walking in that dual dimension where “change is both on its way and has already come”. It is a peculiar and yet peaceful sensation to say that I have nothing to show, to prove my success, but I know the goal has already been achieved, success has already occurred. And though I may not be able to see it, I feel it as though it is…

But now its back to this moment, and the step I need to take next to ensure that it does.

TRANSFORMATION: Remembering Connection

So I have accepted a long-term temporary assignment that lasts 10 weeks and returned to the corporate world. It was a difficult decision to make – going back into the “9 to 5” world – but one that I knew was the right direction as I continue to transform my life.

There is a faint familiarity about where I find myself at this juncture in my life. It is similar to when I first arrived in New York almost nine years ago and I felt fearless and fully connected to my life path. At that time I worked as a temp, with the clear understanding that it was paying the bills and allowing me to continue to develop my soul-filled life. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of my spiritual journey, of the lifestyle where I was flourishing, and ended up being…lost.

But I remember how it felt when I first arrived in NY. I remember how life magically unfolded before me – a place to stay until I could find an apartment, starting a job 3 days after I arrived, finding an apartment that same week and moving in within 2 weeks. It had all been mysteriously effortless, and worry-free because I had listened to my intuition and was actively living my soul purpose.

This is what I had lost my connection to these past 2-3 years. It wasn’t any one thing, and it wasn’t overnight, it was slowly, gradually over time I simply lost my way.

This connection is what I have been slowly re-establishing these past 6 months, and although my impatient procrastinator feels that now I’ve worked out where I’m heading and what steps I need to take, it should already be so, there is a strong Zen personality that understands that I am establishing a more spiritually sound foundation to support my dreams going forward – and that has its own timing.

This time I am fully conscious of the elements that lulled me into complacency, but more importantly, I am fully conscious of the importance of staying mindful and appreciating that this transformation can be effortless.

I can see how my choices have led me back to this point. How going off path has taught me more about the importance of honoring and living my life intuitively than perhaps if I had continued blissfully without stumbling. These lessons have yet to bear tangible results, but I know intuitively they are simply waiting for linear time to catch-up and allow them to manifest. I know that familiar cycles I have lived 3, 4, 8 times over are no longer a part of my life going forward. My choices, how I am living my life now, has made them obsolete.

I am quietly creating, building, attracting my dreams and desires into reality. I am learning to patiently hold them carefully in my keeping and wait to share them all with my friends and family as they come to fruition.

My transformation has begun.

TRANSFORMATION: Mindful Change

It has been a couple of months since I last put pen to paper. In the chaos of needing to find a new home, and still without a stable weekly income, I reverted to survival mode and found old anxieties creeping into my thoughts and weighing in on my decisions. Overloaded with too much thinking, and lost in a fog of uncertainty, I moved away from my inner knowing, and place of quiet, and stopped listening to my intuition.

I have been in my new apartment for eight weeks now. The first month was a blur of unpacking boxes, downsizing, adjusting to a new neighborhood and de-stressing. As the anxiety surrounding homelessness lifted, I recognized that I was still thinking from a constricted place of fear and survival, when what I really wanted was to be thriving. It was time to step out of the fog, and return to mindfulness.

Switching off the anxiety and my thoughts was not as straightforward as I would have liked, but with a renewed sense of determination I returned to living in the moment and reconnected with myself. The first step was accepting my current life circumstances – my new apartment, my financial situation, and my employment status. The next step was to acknowledge, and accept – without judgment – that choices I had made, with AND without the guidance of my intuition had brought me to this moment in my life. This was difficult to do, as self-judgment can so quickly draw you into a maze of dead end, exhausting “what-if” battles. A maze I somehow managed to avoid. I initially thought it was because I was too emotionally and spiritually tired to engage in this thought process, but I realize now that I had transcended to a place where I intuitively understood it would serve no purpose.

In the past three weeks I have questioned who I am, what is the life I want to be living, what is it that I truly want to be doing, what is important to me – Who do I want to reflect out into the world? All of these questions have guided me back to living in the moment, but now also with an acute mindfulness of all the decisions I make, the thoughts that I have, and the things that I do. The process was like waking from a coma and remembering everything about myself, but feeling no connection. Since that moment of awakening I have been living my life with a sense of freedom and objectivity I have not previously experienced.

I am discovering who I am, what is a true expression of my soul, what authentically feels to be a reflection of who I am and how I want to live my life…and I am making decisions and plans from this place, and shedding disconnected aspects of who I used to be.

I am transforming…to my essential nature.

TRANSITION: Intuition – logical, illogical or both?

Its been an interesting week – blissful moments of quiet and inner peace and yet outwardly my life situation hasn’t changed. Small signs from the Universe have reminded me that what and where you focus your attention is drawn to you, and my faith has strengthened.

I have made decisions that have been completely based on my intuition and supported by my faith. Some of these decisions go completely against my cerebral logic and reason, and yet the internal calm remains present, the ‘rightness’ apparent. The key now is to stay connected to that feeling, that state of being and avoid connecting to the sense of anxiety.

It is also essential to stay in this calm place for my own sense of health and well-being. The ego voice of reason and practicality has the capacity to send me into a panic and create levels of stress, and distress. It would be disrespectful and detrimental to ignore this physical and mental state of being, should I find myself drawn to this alternate, and I would need to choose differently in order to alleviate the pressure.

I have not reached that point at this time.

What has been fascinating to explore is the concept that decisions guided by intuition traditionally don’t follow logic and reason, and yet those decisions are (in my experience) the ones that end up making the most sense. So in some way, listening to your intuition and acting on that guidance would seem to be completely reasonable. To disregard such authentic information, that can potentially guide you in the right direction seems illogical.

And yet so often the information defies what we already know, it defies what we know to be logical.

But we all do it. We all ignore our intuition, our gut instinct or sixth sense. We second-guess ourselves and often over think decisions, losing our first “intuition” and going with something that usually ends with the comment, “I should have gone with my first thought”.

Right now I don’t have any physical proof of my certainty. No track record logic to back-up my decisions. All I have is my intuition telling me that I have made the right decisions, and the presence of that same internal calm, in spite of the outward conditions that surround me.

Logic tells me that I can’t possibly know, and yet I do. Following my intuition is logical and that is what I will continue to do. To listen, to believe and to have faith…and to let go.

TRANSITION: Belligerent Determination

How can you find balance when you have to focus on one major task?

In the last week I have spent much of my energy and focus on sorting through hundreds of possible apartments, scheduling time to view them, packing up my home and trying to maintain some semblance of routine. It has not been easy.

I have also spent time in meditation and quiet reflection, with the purpose of surrendering myself to this situation and handing it over to a greater power – waiting for Divine intervention or inspiration. I don’t appear to have received that quite yet, but I am hopeful and remain attentive!! I still find myself feeling moments of panic and my ability to hold on to my faith wanes at times as the move date looms. The main source of this sense of foreboding is that everywhere I turn I am reminded that proof of a steady income is required to rent, and of course, I opted out of that when I decided to start working on my new career path.

Is it any wonder I am questioning everything!

I use my meditation to quieten my ego and tap into the power of creative visualization. To remember to believe in myself, and in my power to create anything I choose. I am striving, day-to-day, to create balance between what needs to be done on a practical level, what needs to be done on an intuitive level, and what is important to do regardless of other distractions – namely the work I do to help others. All this is vital in creating the life I want.

In the middle of the packing, of apartment searching and viewing, and the job search (a stable income – not necessarily back in the corporate world), it is vital to my soul to include time on my Intuitive Counseling/Life Coaching work. It is also essential to balance out each day with fun, laughter and light-heartedness.

I haven’t mastered it yet. Hey, I haven’t even come close to ensuring all elements are given equally proportionate time. But I’m working on it.

It helps that I am stubborn, bull-headed and an eternal optimist. It helps that I have learnt to raise my voice at the Universe, hurl out my indignations and frustrations, and then in turn, humbly be grateful for all that I do have right now.
Despite feeling (at times) that this is too hard to overcome, I refuse to give up on my dream, or be derailed. I will do whatever it takes to make this work – not just fix it, but do it differently to create a joy-filled, purposeful life. There is so much I want to do, what I already see myself doing, and in order to achieve and sustain this, it requires a certain sense of belligerent determination.

It would seem that I have ample of that in reserve.

And that’s a blessing in itself.

TRANSITION: What Now?

I really wish that I could say that everything is working out well. That everything is magically and synchronistically falling into place. I wish I could say that the choices I am making based on my heart, and my intuition, are producing amazing results.

The reality is that very little seems to be working for me right now and I am at a loss as to what to do next. I seem to be tripping over one obstacle after another, and just as soon as I pick myself up and find a way to continue, another is thrown in my path.

It is making me question my path and all of my choices, which just adds a strain to what is already proving to be a stressful time. It is so difficult not to focus on and listen to my survival instinct, and make decisions from this place of logic and reason, when nothing in my life feels secure.

The choice to not return to full-time work in the corporate world was a wonderful and liberating one, and I felt supported by The Universe with the blessing of income when I needed it to cover the basic essentials. I also felt that I was being supported as I found contacts and information to move my new career path forward and also felt so inspired.

Last week, out of nowhere, I was told that I had to move out of the wonderful apartment I have been in for only 6 months. This apartment was a dream come true – the chance to live in Manhattan, in a fantastic neighborhood and start to truly live New York the way I had always pictured and felt myself doing. It was one of those rare gems, with incredible rent that I could afford, and could continue to afford during this transition. I had just begun to feel secure in my choices, and see how I could move my life further into this new direction successfully when I received the news.

Now, suddenly I no longer have a home, and I need to find a place by April 15th. I have to somehow find a way to keep my dream alive and create a new home. Right now it all feels impossible. Suddenly the money I had, which would have sustained me for three months will need to be used for moving. I feel myself being drawn back to find a corporate job in order to reestablish the “security” that works in the bigger “real world reality”. I find myself believing that I need that “security” in order to find an apartment.

I feel as though just as I had found the courage to make these life changes, and follow my heart, I am being pushed back into a lifestyle I no longer want.

I am frustrated and angry that I have to find a way to “fix” this situation, compromise my lifestyle and choices in order to make this work. I wanted to “create” a new life for myself with all the elements that are important to me right now, but I can’t see or feel how to make this my reality.

Today I am at a loss…and being fully present in this moment is not bringing me inner contentment or peace.

Today I just feel sad.

TRANSITION: Staying the Course

It has been a couple of weeks into my decision and the initial euphoria is beginning to wane and give way to the reality of the day to day choices and challenges of being self-employed. I am still much happier than I have been in years and I know that I have made the right choice, even if there has yet to be a financial return. I continue to be filled with ideas and inspirations regarding my business and new life path but I admit to being surprised at how much longer things take to get “just right”.

Every day brings forth new challenges, and additional information that I could not have anticipated when I started, making the choices seem endless. There have been a couple of starts over the past few weeks that have come to a complete stop, or changed direction entirely. And I am certain there will be more of the same as I continue to develop and grow my business, and my new life.

All of this is quite manageable, but I have yet to fully throw myself into the service side of the business. I realize that I need to set a deadline for finishing the necessary foundation building of the business to ensure that I don’t become trapped in perpetually creating, and not doing. I understand the importance of a solid foundation, but at the same time, dotting i’s and crossing t’s can end up being a little tedious and take the excitement out of the momentum.

Add to this the quiet gnawing of uncertainty, and the primal instinct of survival and it becomes a challenge to stay focused and inspired to continue on this new path. The old familiar path is tempting and also has a proven track record for working. This new path is exactly that – NEW, and completely unproven.

So now it becomes a test of Trust and Faith. A test of keenly tuning in to my intuition, and finding the strength to act on that information, even when my primal instinct kicks in and I feel the pull to go with the safe choice. It is a time of putting aside my ego (not easy) and balancing my decisions with intuition and common sense, while at the same time not losing sight of my goals or creating additional stress and chaos.

It’s about staying the course, despite outside factors battering down your wall of resolve. It’s about taking one day at a time, and doing all you can in that moment with the best intention and utmost authenticity.

Today I feel the pressure of outside factors knocking on my wall, I feel the pull of my survival instinct, but I still believe in the direction I am going and the choices I am making, and so I will stay the course.

TRANSITION: Sometimes Its Too Quiet

Sometimes the quiet in between ideas and actions is so noticeable you can’t help but feel the pressure to fill the void with something, anything. The question is, should you?

When I woke this morning, I felt like I had to do something. There was nothing defined or specific, no one item on my “to do list” that had to be done but I felt that I needed to be doing something.

I had planned my day to keep working (one step at a time) on my action plan for transitioning into my preferred lifestyle. To work on the list of things that need to be done when you are creating your own business (website, business cards, networking, accounting systems, setting up contact info: phone, email, office/work space) and also taking the time to continue writing. I also need to continue to seek out employment that will compliment my new lifestyle and provide a reasonable base salary. Along with this is the necessity of keeping myself physically active and healthy, and doing the usual day-to-day routine things…laundry, housework, grocery shopping etc.

All of these things have priority and need my attention, but none of them seem to be the something I am feeling compelled to do. So I start one thing and find I have no connection. I’m distracted by the void and my attention is being drawn further into a feeling of “maybe I’m missing something” and the slow-rising sense of panic “what if I AM missing something?” Here it comes, the voice of “logic and reason”, or as I’m now recognizing it – the panicked voice of my past and insecurity shouting across the void, “Return to Corporate Work…PLEASE!! Think of… SECURITY, ROUTINE!! Do anything!!”

BREATHE…I remind myself. PAUSE…and remember.

One day at a time, one moment at a time. Today, there is no need to be concerned. The rent is paid. The bills are paid. There is food in the home. I am healthy. There is nothing I have to do today. I am the happiest I have been in years. The void can remain exactly as it is meant to be – Quiet, Unknown, and Infinite - and with gentle and firm resolve the voice can be ignored. I know intuitively that acting from this place of panic and fear would only send me back down a path I have walked too many times before. I know intuitively that returning to corporate work is a knee-jerk choice, because its safe, because I have confidence in my ability to do the work, because I know it will provide temporary financial security…well-founded, but these are all fear-based reasons.

So I BREATHE.

But how do I know for certain that I haven’t missed something?

I don’t.

I can only trust that as long as I continue to do one thing at a time, every day, towards this new life I will eventually see the something I am meant to be doing next.

TRANSITION: Honoring Myself & What I Really Want

On January 9th I was laid off from a job that I had been in for less than 3 months. A job I had accepted after numerous interviews with different companies and nine months of searching. I can’t say that I was upset that the job hadn’t worked out – the experience had been demeaning and demoralizing. It was the timing I was mostly confused about – why now?

For the first time in twenty years I was out of a job. In the midst of an economic crisis, labeled as the “worst the US has seen since the Great Depression” I found myself without a source of income. I contacted staffing agencies and started the process of looking for a new job, and registered to do temp work.

There was only one problem…I no longer had any real interest in continuing a career as an Executive Assistant in a corporate 9 to 5 world.

Truth be told, I had never planned a career in the corporate world, certainly not one as an Executive Assistant, and definitely not one that would last for almost ten years. I had moved from Australia in 1998 to do something completely different with my life but had returned to corporate work when planning to move to New York in 2000. It was good money, reasonably easy to get, and would guarantee me security while I found my feet in a new city. I hadn’t planned on staying with it, but in 2001 I was fortunate to find a boss who was a joy to work for, and so I fell into a comfortable routine, which would last until he retired in mid-2007.

I ask myself now – should I have left corporate employment in July 2007 when he retired? Is that when I had a window to transition out of the corporate grind? It certainly didn’t seem like the right time, but my memory and objectivity isn’t clear enough for me to say either way. I found a job within the same organization in a position, which unfortunately (or fortunately) became increasingly more intolerable. By January 2008 I had already started the job search process – still looking within the corporate world.

I had become accustomed to the lifestyle it afforded me and also dependent on the income. I had accumulated substantial credit card debt, had rent and monthly expenses, and barely any savings. I had also become complacent and knew (intuitively) on some level that I was “playing it safe”.

So here I was, January 2009 still in a similar financial situation and yet I was not concerned. To be fair, I was given 3 weeks severance pay, so I knew my bills would be covered through the end of the month. Also, due to the cancellation of a couple of events, I received some money back in refunds that would help cover the bills for February and some of March.

With each day that I spent at home, the more I realized I wanted to effect change in the life I was living, or really, in the life I was not living. I had a couple of short temp assignments, which helped with income, but just confirmed that I didn’t want to be doing this kind of work anymore. Then came the opportunity to interview with the firm where I had spent eight years. It seemed so easy, and safe – especially in this current economic climate – but the thought of going back into a corporate environment started making me physically ill.

I knew on a very deep, intuitive level that this was not what I really wanted, and yet I had clearly set out the intention to The Universe that I wanted a weekly base salary to cover all my living expenses. The problem was that I was stuck thinking the only way to achieve this was working in a corporate job again, but my subconscious was clearly putting out the strong message “No more corporate work”. It was time for me to become clear about what I wanted…both consciously and subconsciously.

It was time to start listening honestly to my intuition and honoring my true feelings and desires. I want to return to my metaphysical roots and the joy of fully expressing who I am. I want to experience the freedom of self-employment as an Intuitive Counselor and eventually open my own metaphysical store/cafe. At the same time, I still want a weekly base salary that affords me the time to establish my business, covers all the monthly expenses, but it cannot be through the corporate life that has become my safety net, a cushion that lulls me into apathy.

So now I have clearly stated to The Universe what I am after…I just don’t have a clue what it looks like, which means I have to listen to my intuition and act on what is before me, with honesty and without hesitation. I have started working on my own business, one step at a time, and with each action I become more confident with the direction my life is headed and less concerned with how it will all work out.

I still have unanswered questions. The experiences of these two less-than-desirable jobs have been the catalyst for life-changing decisions, but did my intuition at any point indicate that these were the wrong jobs? Would I have ended up on this same path if I had walked away from the security of my corporate life in July 2007? Or did my intuition knowingly guide me into these jobs for the purpose of showing me, finally, the life I was not living, the authentic self I was not honoring.

So rather than asking “Why now?” it seems more inspiring to ask “What’s next?”