TRANSITION: Belligerent Determination

How can you find balance when you have to focus on one major task?

In the last week I have spent much of my energy and focus on sorting through hundreds of possible apartments, scheduling time to view them, packing up my home and trying to maintain some semblance of routine. It has not been easy.

I have also spent time in meditation and quiet reflection, with the purpose of surrendering myself to this situation and handing it over to a greater power – waiting for Divine intervention or inspiration. I don’t appear to have received that quite yet, but I am hopeful and remain attentive!! I still find myself feeling moments of panic and my ability to hold on to my faith wanes at times as the move date looms. The main source of this sense of foreboding is that everywhere I turn I am reminded that proof of a steady income is required to rent, and of course, I opted out of that when I decided to start working on my new career path.

Is it any wonder I am questioning everything!

I use my meditation to quieten my ego and tap into the power of creative visualization. To remember to believe in myself, and in my power to create anything I choose. I am striving, day-to-day, to create balance between what needs to be done on a practical level, what needs to be done on an intuitive level, and what is important to do regardless of other distractions – namely the work I do to help others. All this is vital in creating the life I want.

In the middle of the packing, of apartment searching and viewing, and the job search (a stable income – not necessarily back in the corporate world), it is vital to my soul to include time on my Intuitive Counseling/Life Coaching work. It is also essential to balance out each day with fun, laughter and light-heartedness.

I haven’t mastered it yet. Hey, I haven’t even come close to ensuring all elements are given equally proportionate time. But I’m working on it.

It helps that I am stubborn, bull-headed and an eternal optimist. It helps that I have learnt to raise my voice at the Universe, hurl out my indignations and frustrations, and then in turn, humbly be grateful for all that I do have right now.
Despite feeling (at times) that this is too hard to overcome, I refuse to give up on my dream, or be derailed. I will do whatever it takes to make this work – not just fix it, but do it differently to create a joy-filled, purposeful life. There is so much I want to do, what I already see myself doing, and in order to achieve and sustain this, it requires a certain sense of belligerent determination.

It would seem that I have ample of that in reserve.

And that’s a blessing in itself.

TRANSITION: What Now?

I really wish that I could say that everything is working out well. That everything is magically and synchronistically falling into place. I wish I could say that the choices I am making based on my heart, and my intuition, are producing amazing results.

The reality is that very little seems to be working for me right now and I am at a loss as to what to do next. I seem to be tripping over one obstacle after another, and just as soon as I pick myself up and find a way to continue, another is thrown in my path.

It is making me question my path and all of my choices, which just adds a strain to what is already proving to be a stressful time. It is so difficult not to focus on and listen to my survival instinct, and make decisions from this place of logic and reason, when nothing in my life feels secure.

The choice to not return to full-time work in the corporate world was a wonderful and liberating one, and I felt supported by The Universe with the blessing of income when I needed it to cover the basic essentials. I also felt that I was being supported as I found contacts and information to move my new career path forward and also felt so inspired.

Last week, out of nowhere, I was told that I had to move out of the wonderful apartment I have been in for only 6 months. This apartment was a dream come true – the chance to live in Manhattan, in a fantastic neighborhood and start to truly live New York the way I had always pictured and felt myself doing. It was one of those rare gems, with incredible rent that I could afford, and could continue to afford during this transition. I had just begun to feel secure in my choices, and see how I could move my life further into this new direction successfully when I received the news.

Now, suddenly I no longer have a home, and I need to find a place by April 15th. I have to somehow find a way to keep my dream alive and create a new home. Right now it all feels impossible. Suddenly the money I had, which would have sustained me for three months will need to be used for moving. I feel myself being drawn back to find a corporate job in order to reestablish the “security” that works in the bigger “real world reality”. I find myself believing that I need that “security” in order to find an apartment.

I feel as though just as I had found the courage to make these life changes, and follow my heart, I am being pushed back into a lifestyle I no longer want.

I am frustrated and angry that I have to find a way to “fix” this situation, compromise my lifestyle and choices in order to make this work. I wanted to “create” a new life for myself with all the elements that are important to me right now, but I can’t see or feel how to make this my reality.

Today I am at a loss…and being fully present in this moment is not bringing me inner contentment or peace.

Today I just feel sad.

TRANSITION: Staying the Course

It has been a couple of weeks into my decision and the initial euphoria is beginning to wane and give way to the reality of the day to day choices and challenges of being self-employed. I am still much happier than I have been in years and I know that I have made the right choice, even if there has yet to be a financial return. I continue to be filled with ideas and inspirations regarding my business and new life path but I admit to being surprised at how much longer things take to get “just right”.

Every day brings forth new challenges, and additional information that I could not have anticipated when I started, making the choices seem endless. There have been a couple of starts over the past few weeks that have come to a complete stop, or changed direction entirely. And I am certain there will be more of the same as I continue to develop and grow my business, and my new life.

All of this is quite manageable, but I have yet to fully throw myself into the service side of the business. I realize that I need to set a deadline for finishing the necessary foundation building of the business to ensure that I don’t become trapped in perpetually creating, and not doing. I understand the importance of a solid foundation, but at the same time, dotting i’s and crossing t’s can end up being a little tedious and take the excitement out of the momentum.

Add to this the quiet gnawing of uncertainty, and the primal instinct of survival and it becomes a challenge to stay focused and inspired to continue on this new path. The old familiar path is tempting and also has a proven track record for working. This new path is exactly that – NEW, and completely unproven.

So now it becomes a test of Trust and Faith. A test of keenly tuning in to my intuition, and finding the strength to act on that information, even when my primal instinct kicks in and I feel the pull to go with the safe choice. It is a time of putting aside my ego (not easy) and balancing my decisions with intuition and common sense, while at the same time not losing sight of my goals or creating additional stress and chaos.

It’s about staying the course, despite outside factors battering down your wall of resolve. It’s about taking one day at a time, and doing all you can in that moment with the best intention and utmost authenticity.

Today I feel the pressure of outside factors knocking on my wall, I feel the pull of my survival instinct, but I still believe in the direction I am going and the choices I am making, and so I will stay the course.

TRANSITION: Sometimes Its Too Quiet

Sometimes the quiet in between ideas and actions is so noticeable you can’t help but feel the pressure to fill the void with something, anything. The question is, should you?

When I woke this morning, I felt like I had to do something. There was nothing defined or specific, no one item on my “to do list” that had to be done but I felt that I needed to be doing something.

I had planned my day to keep working (one step at a time) on my action plan for transitioning into my preferred lifestyle. To work on the list of things that need to be done when you are creating your own business (website, business cards, networking, accounting systems, setting up contact info: phone, email, office/work space) and also taking the time to continue writing. I also need to continue to seek out employment that will compliment my new lifestyle and provide a reasonable base salary. Along with this is the necessity of keeping myself physically active and healthy, and doing the usual day-to-day routine things…laundry, housework, grocery shopping etc.

All of these things have priority and need my attention, but none of them seem to be the something I am feeling compelled to do. So I start one thing and find I have no connection. I’m distracted by the void and my attention is being drawn further into a feeling of “maybe I’m missing something” and the slow-rising sense of panic “what if I AM missing something?” Here it comes, the voice of “logic and reason”, or as I’m now recognizing it – the panicked voice of my past and insecurity shouting across the void, “Return to Corporate Work…PLEASE!! Think of… SECURITY, ROUTINE!! Do anything!!”

BREATHE…I remind myself. PAUSE…and remember.

One day at a time, one moment at a time. Today, there is no need to be concerned. The rent is paid. The bills are paid. There is food in the home. I am healthy. There is nothing I have to do today. I am the happiest I have been in years. The void can remain exactly as it is meant to be – Quiet, Unknown, and Infinite - and with gentle and firm resolve the voice can be ignored. I know intuitively that acting from this place of panic and fear would only send me back down a path I have walked too many times before. I know intuitively that returning to corporate work is a knee-jerk choice, because its safe, because I have confidence in my ability to do the work, because I know it will provide temporary financial security…well-founded, but these are all fear-based reasons.

So I BREATHE.

But how do I know for certain that I haven’t missed something?

I don’t.

I can only trust that as long as I continue to do one thing at a time, every day, towards this new life I will eventually see the something I am meant to be doing next.

TRANSITION: Honoring Myself & What I Really Want

On January 9th I was laid off from a job that I had been in for less than 3 months. A job I had accepted after numerous interviews with different companies and nine months of searching. I can’t say that I was upset that the job hadn’t worked out – the experience had been demeaning and demoralizing. It was the timing I was mostly confused about – why now?

For the first time in twenty years I was out of a job. In the midst of an economic crisis, labeled as the “worst the US has seen since the Great Depression” I found myself without a source of income. I contacted staffing agencies and started the process of looking for a new job, and registered to do temp work.

There was only one problem…I no longer had any real interest in continuing a career as an Executive Assistant in a corporate 9 to 5 world.

Truth be told, I had never planned a career in the corporate world, certainly not one as an Executive Assistant, and definitely not one that would last for almost ten years. I had moved from Australia in 1998 to do something completely different with my life but had returned to corporate work when planning to move to New York in 2000. It was good money, reasonably easy to get, and would guarantee me security while I found my feet in a new city. I hadn’t planned on staying with it, but in 2001 I was fortunate to find a boss who was a joy to work for, and so I fell into a comfortable routine, which would last until he retired in mid-2007.

I ask myself now – should I have left corporate employment in July 2007 when he retired? Is that when I had a window to transition out of the corporate grind? It certainly didn’t seem like the right time, but my memory and objectivity isn’t clear enough for me to say either way. I found a job within the same organization in a position, which unfortunately (or fortunately) became increasingly more intolerable. By January 2008 I had already started the job search process – still looking within the corporate world.

I had become accustomed to the lifestyle it afforded me and also dependent on the income. I had accumulated substantial credit card debt, had rent and monthly expenses, and barely any savings. I had also become complacent and knew (intuitively) on some level that I was “playing it safe”.

So here I was, January 2009 still in a similar financial situation and yet I was not concerned. To be fair, I was given 3 weeks severance pay, so I knew my bills would be covered through the end of the month. Also, due to the cancellation of a couple of events, I received some money back in refunds that would help cover the bills for February and some of March.

With each day that I spent at home, the more I realized I wanted to effect change in the life I was living, or really, in the life I was not living. I had a couple of short temp assignments, which helped with income, but just confirmed that I didn’t want to be doing this kind of work anymore. Then came the opportunity to interview with the firm where I had spent eight years. It seemed so easy, and safe – especially in this current economic climate – but the thought of going back into a corporate environment started making me physically ill.

I knew on a very deep, intuitive level that this was not what I really wanted, and yet I had clearly set out the intention to The Universe that I wanted a weekly base salary to cover all my living expenses. The problem was that I was stuck thinking the only way to achieve this was working in a corporate job again, but my subconscious was clearly putting out the strong message “No more corporate work”. It was time for me to become clear about what I wanted…both consciously and subconsciously.

It was time to start listening honestly to my intuition and honoring my true feelings and desires. I want to return to my metaphysical roots and the joy of fully expressing who I am. I want to experience the freedom of self-employment as an Intuitive Counselor and eventually open my own metaphysical store/cafe. At the same time, I still want a weekly base salary that affords me the time to establish my business, covers all the monthly expenses, but it cannot be through the corporate life that has become my safety net, a cushion that lulls me into apathy.

So now I have clearly stated to The Universe what I am after…I just don’t have a clue what it looks like, which means I have to listen to my intuition and act on what is before me, with honesty and without hesitation. I have started working on my own business, one step at a time, and with each action I become more confident with the direction my life is headed and less concerned with how it will all work out.

I still have unanswered questions. The experiences of these two less-than-desirable jobs have been the catalyst for life-changing decisions, but did my intuition at any point indicate that these were the wrong jobs? Would I have ended up on this same path if I had walked away from the security of my corporate life in July 2007? Or did my intuition knowingly guide me into these jobs for the purpose of showing me, finally, the life I was not living, the authentic self I was not honoring.

So rather than asking “Why now?” it seems more inspiring to ask “What’s next?”