I really wish that I could say that everything is working out well. That everything is magically and synchronistically falling into place. I wish I could say that the choices I am making based on my heart, and my intuition, are producing amazing results.
The reality is that very little seems to be working for me right now and I am at a loss as to what to do next. I seem to be tripping over one obstacle after another, and just as soon as I pick myself up and find a way to continue, another is thrown in my path.
It is making me question my path and all of my choices, which just adds a strain to what is already proving to be a stressful time. It is so difficult not to focus on and listen to my survival instinct, and make decisions from this place of logic and reason, when nothing in my life feels secure.
The choice to not return to full-time work in the corporate world was a wonderful and liberating one, and I felt supported by The Universe with the blessing of income when I needed it to cover the basic essentials. I also felt that I was being supported as I found contacts and information to move my new career path forward and also felt so inspired.
Last week, out of nowhere, I was told that I had to move out of the wonderful apartment I have been in for only 6 months. This apartment was a dream come true – the chance to live in Manhattan, in a fantastic neighborhood and start to truly live New York the way I had always pictured and felt myself doing. It was one of those rare gems, with incredible rent that I could afford, and could continue to afford during this transition. I had just begun to feel secure in my choices, and see how I could move my life further into this new direction successfully when I received the news.
Now, suddenly I no longer have a home, and I need to find a place by April 15th. I have to somehow find a way to keep my dream alive and create a new home. Right now it all feels impossible. Suddenly the money I had, which would have sustained me for three months will need to be used for moving. I feel myself being drawn back to find a corporate job in order to reestablish the “security” that works in the bigger “real world reality”. I find myself believing that I need that “security” in order to find an apartment.
I feel as though just as I had found the courage to make these life changes, and follow my heart, I am being pushed back into a lifestyle I no longer want.
I am frustrated and angry that I have to find a way to “fix” this situation, compromise my lifestyle and choices in order to make this work. I wanted to “create” a new life for myself with all the elements that are important to me right now, but I can’t see or feel how to make this my reality.
Today I am at a loss…and being fully present in this moment is not bringing me inner contentment or peace.
Today I just feel sad.