Wednesday, June 24, 2009

TRANSFORMATION: Remembering Connection

So I have accepted a long-term temporary assignment that lasts 10 weeks and returned to the corporate world. It was a difficult decision to make – going back into the “9 to 5” world – but one that I knew was the right direction as I continue to transform my life.

There is a faint familiarity about where I find myself at this juncture in my life. It is similar to when I first arrived in New York almost nine years ago and I felt fearless and fully connected to my life path. At that time I worked as a temp, with the clear understanding that it was paying the bills and allowing me to continue to develop my soul-filled life. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of my spiritual journey, of the lifestyle where I was flourishing, and ended up being…lost.

But I remember how it felt when I first arrived in NY. I remember how life magically unfolded before me – a place to stay until I could find an apartment, starting a job 3 days after I arrived, finding an apartment that same week and moving in within 2 weeks. It had all been mysteriously effortless, and worry-free because I had listened to my intuition and was actively living my soul purpose.

This is what I had lost my connection to these past 2-3 years. It wasn’t any one thing, and it wasn’t overnight, it was slowly, gradually over time I simply lost my way.

This connection is what I have been slowly re-establishing these past 6 months, and although my impatient procrastinator feels that now I’ve worked out where I’m heading and what steps I need to take, it should already be so, there is a strong Zen personality that understands that I am establishing a more spiritually sound foundation to support my dreams going forward – and that has its own timing.

This time I am fully conscious of the elements that lulled me into complacency, but more importantly, I am fully conscious of the importance of staying mindful and appreciating that this transformation can be effortless.

I can see how my choices have led me back to this point. How going off path has taught me more about the importance of honoring and living my life intuitively than perhaps if I had continued blissfully without stumbling. These lessons have yet to bear tangible results, but I know intuitively they are simply waiting for linear time to catch-up and allow them to manifest. I know that familiar cycles I have lived 3, 4, 8 times over are no longer a part of my life going forward. My choices, how I am living my life now, has made them obsolete.

I am quietly creating, building, attracting my dreams and desires into reality. I am learning to patiently hold them carefully in my keeping and wait to share them all with my friends and family as they come to fruition.

My transformation has begun.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


It has been a couple of months since I last put pen to paper. In the chaos of needing to find a new home, and still without a stable weekly income, I reverted to survival mode and found old anxieties creeping into my thoughts and weighing in on my decisions. Overloaded with too much thinking, and lost in a fog of uncertainty, I moved away from my inner knowing, and place of quiet, and stopped listening to my intuition.

I have been in my new apartment for eight weeks now. The first month was a blur of unpacking boxes, downsizing, adjusting to a new neighborhood and de-stressing. As the anxiety surrounding homelessness lifted, I recognized that I was still thinking from a constricted place of fear and survival, when what I really wanted was to be thriving. It was time to step out of the fog, and return to mindfulness.

Switching off the anxiety and my thoughts was not as straightforward as I would have liked, but with a renewed sense of determination I returned to living in the moment and reconnected with myself. The first step was accepting my current life circumstances – my new apartment, my financial situation, and my employment status. The next step was to acknowledge, and accept – without judgment – that choices I had made, with AND without the guidance of my intuition had brought me to this moment in my life. This was difficult to do, as self-judgment can so quickly draw you into a maze of dead end, exhausting “what-if” battles. A maze I somehow managed to avoid. I initially thought it was because I was too emotionally and spiritually tired to engage in this thought process, but I realize now that I had transcended to a place where I intuitively understood it would serve no purpose.

In the past three weeks I have questioned who I am, what is the life I want to be living, what is it that I truly want to be doing, what is important to me – Who do I want to reflect out into the world? All of these questions have guided me back to living in the moment, but now also with an acute mindfulness of all the decisions I make, the thoughts that I have, and the things that I do. The process was like waking from a coma and remembering everything about myself, but feeling no connection. Since that moment of awakening I have been living my life with a sense of freedom and objectivity I have not previously experienced.

I am discovering who I am, what is a true expression of my soul, what authentically feels to be a reflection of who I am and how I want to live my life…and I am making decisions and plans from this place, and shedding disconnected aspects of who I used to be.

I am transforming…to my essential nature.