Tuesday, June 16, 2009


It has been a couple of months since I last put pen to paper. In the chaos of needing to find a new home, and still without a stable weekly income, I reverted to survival mode and found old anxieties creeping into my thoughts and weighing in on my decisions. Overloaded with too much thinking, and lost in a fog of uncertainty, I moved away from my inner knowing, and place of quiet, and stopped listening to my intuition.

I have been in my new apartment for eight weeks now. The first month was a blur of unpacking boxes, downsizing, adjusting to a new neighborhood and de-stressing. As the anxiety surrounding homelessness lifted, I recognized that I was still thinking from a constricted place of fear and survival, when what I really wanted was to be thriving. It was time to step out of the fog, and return to mindfulness.

Switching off the anxiety and my thoughts was not as straightforward as I would have liked, but with a renewed sense of determination I returned to living in the moment and reconnected with myself. The first step was accepting my current life circumstances – my new apartment, my financial situation, and my employment status. The next step was to acknowledge, and accept – without judgment – that choices I had made, with AND without the guidance of my intuition had brought me to this moment in my life. This was difficult to do, as self-judgment can so quickly draw you into a maze of dead end, exhausting “what-if” battles. A maze I somehow managed to avoid. I initially thought it was because I was too emotionally and spiritually tired to engage in this thought process, but I realize now that I had transcended to a place where I intuitively understood it would serve no purpose.

In the past three weeks I have questioned who I am, what is the life I want to be living, what is it that I truly want to be doing, what is important to me – Who do I want to reflect out into the world? All of these questions have guided me back to living in the moment, but now also with an acute mindfulness of all the decisions I make, the thoughts that I have, and the things that I do. The process was like waking from a coma and remembering everything about myself, but feeling no connection. Since that moment of awakening I have been living my life with a sense of freedom and objectivity I have not previously experienced.

I am discovering who I am, what is a true expression of my soul, what authentically feels to be a reflection of who I am and how I want to live my life…and I am making decisions and plans from this place, and shedding disconnected aspects of who I used to be.

I am transforming…to my essential nature.

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