TRANSFORMATION: Doing it Differently

I stumbled across an entry in my journal from November 2007 and was surprised to see that I had the presence of mind (or awareness) to recognize that the demands on my time from work and others, had left me depleted and in need of simplifying my lifestyle.

With great gusto I declared that I was reclaiming my life and reconnecting with what would feed my soul, and clearing out what no longer served my highest good. I was going to take better care of myself, physically, spiritually, emotionally and ….

Well, here I am almost two years later and I wonder how it is that I had such insight back then, and still did so little to support any real change. Perhaps, more accurately, how I had managed to stop listening so quickly. The voice of my ego chimed in (but not for long) and wondered what was so different this time round, and how many more “a-ha” moments was I going to have, followed by declarations to instigate change with wholehearted determination, only to then quietly petered off as misplaced good intentions. Ignoring the obvious baiting from my ego, I chose (instead) to ponder the now obviously orchestrated chaos the Universe had brought to bear in my life starting in July last year.

A-ha, I thought – with a grin to accompany my appreciation of exactly how brilliant the Universe was – NOW I am beginning to fully comprehend that my invitation to the Universe had truly delivered a sequence of events designed not only to create chaos in my life, but also to ensure that the awareness I had experienced previously would be remembered, therefore ensuring my actions this time would be different.

The chaos and challenges that the Universe has placed on my path have allowed me to examine my life, and many of my choices in a new light, and my awareness and desire for a different life and outcome, have provided me with new insight into how I make those choices. I already know that many of my recent decisions have come about from either consciously choosing a different option/reaction or from a place of remembering a more mindful solution.

But what tells me more than anything else that this time is different is the deep inner knowing that simple says to me, and to my ego … it is.

And that’s all I need to know.

TRANSFORMATION: Mindful Change

It has been a couple of months since I last put pen to paper. In the chaos of needing to find a new home, and still without a stable weekly income, I reverted to survival mode and found old anxieties creeping into my thoughts and weighing in on my decisions. Overloaded with too much thinking, and lost in a fog of uncertainty, I moved away from my inner knowing, and place of quiet, and stopped listening to my intuition.

I have been in my new apartment for eight weeks now. The first month was a blur of unpacking boxes, downsizing, adjusting to a new neighborhood and de-stressing. As the anxiety surrounding homelessness lifted, I recognized that I was still thinking from a constricted place of fear and survival, when what I really wanted was to be thriving. It was time to step out of the fog, and return to mindfulness.

Switching off the anxiety and my thoughts was not as straightforward as I would have liked, but with a renewed sense of determination I returned to living in the moment and reconnected with myself. The first step was accepting my current life circumstances – my new apartment, my financial situation, and my employment status. The next step was to acknowledge, and accept – without judgment – that choices I had made, with AND without the guidance of my intuition had brought me to this moment in my life. This was difficult to do, as self-judgment can so quickly draw you into a maze of dead end, exhausting “what-if” battles. A maze I somehow managed to avoid. I initially thought it was because I was too emotionally and spiritually tired to engage in this thought process, but I realize now that I had transcended to a place where I intuitively understood it would serve no purpose.

In the past three weeks I have questioned who I am, what is the life I want to be living, what is it that I truly want to be doing, what is important to me – Who do I want to reflect out into the world? All of these questions have guided me back to living in the moment, but now also with an acute mindfulness of all the decisions I make, the thoughts that I have, and the things that I do. The process was like waking from a coma and remembering everything about myself, but feeling no connection. Since that moment of awakening I have been living my life with a sense of freedom and objectivity I have not previously experienced.

I am discovering who I am, what is a true expression of my soul, what authentically feels to be a reflection of who I am and how I want to live my life…and I am making decisions and plans from this place, and shedding disconnected aspects of who I used to be.

I am transforming…to my essential nature.

TRANSITION: What Now?

I really wish that I could say that everything is working out well. That everything is magically and synchronistically falling into place. I wish I could say that the choices I am making based on my heart, and my intuition, are producing amazing results.

The reality is that very little seems to be working for me right now and I am at a loss as to what to do next. I seem to be tripping over one obstacle after another, and just as soon as I pick myself up and find a way to continue, another is thrown in my path.

It is making me question my path and all of my choices, which just adds a strain to what is already proving to be a stressful time. It is so difficult not to focus on and listen to my survival instinct, and make decisions from this place of logic and reason, when nothing in my life feels secure.

The choice to not return to full-time work in the corporate world was a wonderful and liberating one, and I felt supported by The Universe with the blessing of income when I needed it to cover the basic essentials. I also felt that I was being supported as I found contacts and information to move my new career path forward and also felt so inspired.

Last week, out of nowhere, I was told that I had to move out of the wonderful apartment I have been in for only 6 months. This apartment was a dream come true – the chance to live in Manhattan, in a fantastic neighborhood and start to truly live New York the way I had always pictured and felt myself doing. It was one of those rare gems, with incredible rent that I could afford, and could continue to afford during this transition. I had just begun to feel secure in my choices, and see how I could move my life further into this new direction successfully when I received the news.

Now, suddenly I no longer have a home, and I need to find a place by April 15th. I have to somehow find a way to keep my dream alive and create a new home. Right now it all feels impossible. Suddenly the money I had, which would have sustained me for three months will need to be used for moving. I feel myself being drawn back to find a corporate job in order to reestablish the “security” that works in the bigger “real world reality”. I find myself believing that I need that “security” in order to find an apartment.

I feel as though just as I had found the courage to make these life changes, and follow my heart, I am being pushed back into a lifestyle I no longer want.

I am frustrated and angry that I have to find a way to “fix” this situation, compromise my lifestyle and choices in order to make this work. I wanted to “create” a new life for myself with all the elements that are important to me right now, but I can’t see or feel how to make this my reality.

Today I am at a loss…and being fully present in this moment is not bringing me inner contentment or peace.

Today I just feel sad.